The ‘Mean Girl Effect’ in the fire service

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help out other women.” — Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright

As I approach my 28th year in the fire department, I cannot help but reflect on the many mentors I have been blessed to have in my life, from bright-eyed firefighter to operationally savvy chief officer. All this in the city in which I was blessed to be raised, where I went to school and where I continue to live today. I would not be in the position I am in today if it were not for the incredible men and women who took it upon themselves to guide, advise and support me. I see them as angels of the fire service who truly get it – and interestingly, most of these angels have been men.

Indeed, the fire service is a male-dominated profession, but even when factoring in the ratio of men to women, my experience has shown the men in my life to far surpass women when it comes to being helpful, encouraging and unafraid to see me (and other women) outrank them one day. In fact, the people who have treated me the worst in this profession have been women. Yes, I have experienced the “Mean Girl Effect,” a term typically associated with the 2004 teen comedy starring Lindsay Lohan and Tina Fey.

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So-called “mean girls” typically identify a loser of the week – a girl (or woman) who becomes the target of mean girl behavior (aka bullying), leading to negative emotions and potential damage to social relationships. Not only have I been the target of mean girl behavior, but many female firefighters I know have experienced it as well or even been guilty of having participated in it.

Why do some women become “mean girls”?

One theory about why some women behave so negatively toward other women is because they had to survive amid toughness and adversity and therefore believe other women must endure the same. The same theory can be applied to those firefighters (men or women) who insist on hazing rituals that demean new members. This dysfunctional justification continues to rot the fabric of any organization.

Another theory about why some women go into “mean girl” mode is the scarcity mindset. When we feel outnumbered in an organization, we tend to want to fit in and not be associated with the “other” less-marginalized group. Some female firefighters feel they have to pay a “woman tax” where opinions and judgment are clouded by gender bias – a bias that perpetuates myths. Worst yet, some female firefighters eat each other alive while male firefighters protect each other. I have never taken a women’s studies class (I majored in fire science and English literature), but I would also offer that some of the unwillingness to help other women may come from women who are, to use a less formal term, haters.

According to Urban Dictionary, a hater is someone who expresses negativity or criticism toward others. In the fire service, I have witnessed such hater behavior even when the hater does not know the hated. It is clear that many haters only hate something they cannot have or the people they cannot be. As such, I was taught to respect your haters, as they are the ones who think you are the best – or at least have something they want. After all, to have no critics is to do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. The tallest trees get cut first. No one will say anything to you that is not a redirection of how they see themselves. My own Christian upbringing reminds me to love your enemies and treat them with kindness and forgiveness (Matthew 5:44).

Indeed, to pray for the very individuals who want nothing but negativity for you is hard. Perhaps it is the most difficult thing one can do. I, for one, have witnessed (and experienced) baseless and politically motivated investigations wreak havoc on the lives, safety and financial security of targeted firefighters and their families.

Even when firefighters have done nothing wrong and will ultimately be exonerated, the mere act of being investigated or prosecuted can irreparably damage their reputations and finances. In these moments, it can feel like the haters have won. But that’s what makes it even more important to rise up against the negativity.

Fighting this type of nonsense (e.g., the weaponization of the disciplinary investigation process and complete abandonment of any pretense of objectivity or any interest in the truth) puts one in the “Good Trouble” club. However, when mean girls use fear and lies to scare people, it is a zero-sum game. To be sure, male firefighters commit these acts against one another as well, but it is particularly painful when it is launched by fellow female firefighters, as there are so few of us already.

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Mean girl micro-aggression

I witnessed one veteran female firefighter say nothing to a teenage ride-along all day while she ran calls, carried tools, helped spike bags, cleaned the firehouse, etc. I literally saw them sit next to each other at the dining room table during lunch and the veteran firefighter did not say one word to the ride-along. The ride-along. We are eating our young when we do that. You can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

The veteran firefighter was not just a bad actor but foolish to think that this behavior is OK. Women who worked hard to become firefighters have an obligation to help other women who are trying to enter the profession. To do anything less than this is dysfunctional, off-putting and just plain tacky.

So, what impact did this experience have on the ride-along? Thankfully, she was confident enough to go on to become a firefighter, albeit for another fire department. This experience was clearly a motivating force to be better and not allow the snub to define her, as she went on to be the type of firefighter who should have showed up for her that day – a supportive one.

Furthermore, her drive to become a firefighter might have been bolstered by the support she received from the male firefighters that day. Instead of standing idly by, the men in the firehouse helped and mentored the ride-along. All day. In turn, the ride-along worked her butt off as part of our team.

Continuing the focus on the positive, I remember like it was yesterday when a veteran female firefighter’s smile of approval on the fireground meant the world to me as a young probationary firefighter. I did not know her, but that small gesture has remained with me for almost three decades. Let’s call it a micro-motivation.

The problem of silence

Anyone with any sophistication in a fire department where mean girls wreak havoc sees right through the weak attempts to keep another woman down. While some observers will stitch together the facts and think for themselves, others see clearly the injustice of what occurs but remain silent. There is a risk to saying or doing something, but there is a bigger risk to saying or doing nothing at all. Thank God the truth always stands the test of time, even in the legacy of silence.

This paradox hits the hardest in the firehouse with the problem of silence. However, that is the point. The erasure tends to continue. To pretend these things do not occur in our fire departments is a form of deep neglect that has a lasting effect on people’s careers and families, not to mention mental health. One act of injustice on a firefighter can seem like an eternity to them or others impacted by it. It becomes a systematic failure.

Put simply, we cannot be afraid to speak truth and call out truth.

Rising above

So, how do we rise above when the system around us fails to eliminate a toxic culture?

The surest path to finding strength is to be true to yourself. I was not the smartest. I was not the toughest. But I worked hard, showed bravery and took risks. Thankfully, I received a lot of encouragement from many men and a few women to become the best version of myself. The validation piece alone is huge because we as women often feel dismissed in this career. The pain point has been to prove to others that you are strong and can do the job – something women often feel they have to do tenfold to make an impact.

After all, as firefighters, we are not supposed to be fearful. We suck it up and go do our job – leading a hoseline, crawling down that dark, hot, smoky hallway to find the fire, all the while it is getting uncomfortably hotter and hotter is clearly what separates the men from the boys … and the women from the girls. The intensity of the heat can give even the most seasoned firefighter second thoughts about this occupation.

Excellence then is not an act but rather a habit, as Aristotle so brilliantly said. Life can deal some crushing blows, but we must have a deep reserve of resilience and perseverance to survive. You cannot pay a bank with excuses. Thus, we have a profound impact in shaping the lives of hundreds of young firefighters, both men and women, with how we treat them.

These are life-and-death decisions that are being made in everything we do in the fire service. All firefighters are risk-takers. We do not want them to be risk-averse. There is a saying that there are two people in the history of the world that risked their lives for the life of another. The first was Jesus Christ and the next is the American soldier. I would offer a third in the firefighter.

We are in this together

We raise our daughters to work hard, be brave and take risks. We encourage our sisters, wives, girlfriends, mothers, cousins, nieces, aunts, etc., to do the same. We never tell them that the saboteur Iago in their lives could be their most trusted ally.

This is why the fire department cannot have nice things. We eat our young, the accomplished, the vibrant, the motivated – the firefighters with that twinkle in their eye. We all need to grow up. We must stop allowing our ego to be so easily bruised and our insecurity to rear its ugly head. It is destructive to what can be an incredible organization where it is the quality of the people and not always the institution that defines its culture.

Fortunately, there are so many examples of supportive women in the fire service. I am grateful every day that there exists women in my fire department who are young and strong, and who truly see what matters most as they climb the promotional ranks and, at the same time, lift up others. These are the wise women who are proud of being the “mother hens” of their stations, killing others with kindness and grace; the operationally sound firefighters who take pride in knowing their district as they drive the fire engines, pump at fires and throw ladders; they are some of the best teammates anyone could ever want in the heat of battle.

There is an indelible strength in all these women. I am convinced that I became a better leader and that my career satisfaction improved when I started baking brownies in the firehouse for the men (many of my stations I was assigned to were all men). Now, before the hate mail piles in, I must clarify that I had never baked anything in the firehouse prior to that. I personally love brownies and simply wanted to share a delicious treat with the people I cared about – that hot, fudgy chocolate that melts in your mouth. Gooey on the inside and crusty on the outside. I had no idea that this simple act would turn out to be a great act of kindness, trust and love that my firefighters began to feel toward me. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship that has lasted decades.

My dear praying mother used to tell me, “Humble yourself. Otherwise, God will humble you and you don’t want that!” This servant leadership approach has been on my frontal lobe every day I go to work and it has been a recipe for success.

When we refer to the “institution” of our respective fire departments, we must remember that the institution is simply made up of us, ALL of us – people who have the power to make or break institutions. So, it begins with us and only us to make our fire departments great. The best prepared are those who see change coming. Sympathy, fairness, duty and self-control are all hallmarks of a high-road person, no matter what your gender. They are characteristics of a quality firefighter. Let us be that, for it is the only way to be.

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