Ask Eric: When coffee brings a coffee date

Dear Eric: I recently came across a friend who invited me to coffee with another friend. I don't care about the other friend because he is hostile to women. I didn't explain any of it and politely rejected the offer, but I thought that no explanation was required.

If this reappears, I owe this person to why I don't enjoy the other person's society? I don't want to paint the guy because it enjoys its company and it is completely nice, but I'm just not interested.

– coffee date

Dear coffee: it's absolutely okay to reject the invitation without an explanation. This other friend is not her cup of tea (or coffee, so to speak). This happens, and with informal run-ins and friendly, low invitations you don't always have to go into the why behind the decline. However, if this other friend is hostile to women, then he is not “completely nice”. If your friend has missed this aspect, you have the opportunity to point out that this situation should appear again. What your friend does with this opinion lies with you.

Dear Eric: Two weeks ago we buried my mother's ashes in a small ceremony in Panama, where she was born and grew up. As a alcoholic, my mother was very abusive both psychologically and physically. As an adult, my mother refused to recognize her abuse despite repeated inquiries.

In my short comments I found that mama, when she had connected Allows Anonymous Alcoholics, had never kicked with us, but I have been forgiving her now. I took this step mostly because none of my brothers mentioned their abuse when serving, and I was damn it when I let her go to her grave.

I quickly realized that I actually had to forgive her in my heart after I had to make this public statement. I think that means that I have to let go of my anger on her. My anger against her is there, but it's not everything consuming. I am a generally optimistic, positive person and do not tend to live in the past. But I have the feeling that I have received this public commitment and now have to enforce it. Any suggestions?

– Try to move forward

Dear striker, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and for the abuse you have endured. Although her statement at the funeral was unexpected, it sounds like what her heart was and needed. I am sure that you have preferred to have a kind of healing and reparation with your mother. However, they have accessed a concept that often escapes us – that we have the power to redesign and release relationships, even if there are pain from the relationship.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in families of those who suffer from alcoholism and take part in a clever family and friend meeting or al-anon. You are not obliged to hurry your forgiveness, no matter what you said, but it will help you to speak through the complicated feelings that have raised your grief and history of abuse. In these groups you will find people who understand what they have gone through and can help them get forward. Ultimately, this action will be one of self -love. They show themselves that they are worth free to be free from the anger that has put them down. Give him the time it takes and is still gently with yourself.

Dear Eric: I respond to “Lonely lawyer”, the black lawyer of the late 20-year-olds looking for love. As a lawyer, also the first in my family to go to college, let alone the legal faculty, I empathized in them. My family died from a white, working class and also understood my striving for university education. I think it should find legal groups such as the National Bar Association or the National Conference of Black Lawyers and are aimed at black lawyers. In addition, many city associations in the city and the state lawyers have the Black Women Lawyers Association, in which they can meet women like themselves and mix with them.

She is still young and only three years after her legal career. Focus on your career, meet other lawyers, go to meet and conferences. When you live in a small town in the deep south, you will find out which black lawyers do in the largest city in your state. To be busy and concentrate on your legal career should be a priority at the moment. Love life will follow and happen organically.

– Lawyer in the Midwest

Dear lawyer: Professional associations can be a real gift, both for the cultivation of the career and for building your own social circle. And lonely lawyer will probably find others who understand where she comes from and can offer wisely instructions.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas under [email protected] Or mailbox 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rericthomas.com.