What jealousy tells you and 5 tips for dealing with Grace | Health

And then there is a shame to feel it because it is considered a petty basic feeling. But is jealousy really bad?

If you go to the Dictionary of the American Psychological Association of Psychology, “jealousy is listed as a negative emotion, right there at the beginning of the definition,” said the psychologist and jealousy expert Dr. Joli Hamilton recently towards CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta to CNN. His podcast chases life.

“But they don't say that out of anger or sadness – we only talk about them an emotion, an emotion that is informative,” she said. “But there is a prejudices against jealousy that says:” Let us add jealousy to the bad box. “Unless we dig in, there is jealousy to protect us.”

Hamilton, author and relationship trainer, has been studying jealousy for years. It refers to studies that show that the emotions are available in infants at the age of 6 months.

Human Development Expert “Sybil Harts Research is beautiful and talks about how jealous in infancy can occur, and so we could see it protective,” she said. “It tries to keep us in touch with our esteemed others. If we are infants, life or death is. And when we are adults, it can feel like life or death. Of course it is easy to give jealousy in this category: “Can I just never feel it? It's just bad. It's Yucky. '

“But if we approach this, it can actually be incredibly helpful and even build intimacy with ourselves and between us and our partners.”

Hamilton is not a stranger for emotion. In fact, when it comes to jealousy, you could say that she jumped out of the pan into the fire.

“I made every mistake possible when I shifted my own relational paradigm of monogamy to Polyamory 15 years ago,” she said. “I made this change for one reason; I knew it was called to me … but it hurt so much. Jealousy was a large part of why it hurts so much. And my way of getting out of problems is to study. So I thought I had to get out of it. “

Some of what Hamilton found supports the idea that jealousy is about protecting the mother-child bond and later protecting her buddy from rivals. You can get the emotions to find out what is important to you and help you to determine limits. Ideally, it pushes you to have discussions with loved ones about what you expect and what is acceptable.

“Jealousy that is far from being the uniform emotions that people often think that it is actually exactly a further developed emotion. It is there because it has fulfilled a purpose at some point, ”she said and noted that a situation can easily turn to the side. “It often causes a lot more problems than people want. … sometimes jealousy is helpful; Sometimes it is extremely harmful. “

So what can you do if the green -eyed monster knocks on your door? Hamilton has five tips on what you shouldn't do – and what you could do instead.

When you see something that causes jealousy, examine some investigations before you act.

“Don't make the conclusions,” said Hamilton. “Instead, I would advise you to learn to notice how your jealousy feels when she just starts to come. Note the sensations in your body. “

And instead of jumping and taking action and taking measures that could derail their relationship, Hamilton suggested “to be curious about) what is actually going on.

If you jump to conclusions, Hamilton said that it was important not to panic.

“Don't panic just because you see something,” she said. “Don't freak out … if the smallest piece of jealousy happens.”

Instead, she said, “slow down”.

“You have to pay attention to the story you start to improve because the story could have elements of truth that need action, but probably also have all the data that you have collected through your whole life – on – from childhood – About how people are not trustworthy or they are not sure in relationships, ”she said. “You have to get slower and really pay attention to the story you tell you and you separate what you actually see.”

“Don't close your partner's car. No headlights smashed. Do not go to all of the Carrie Underwood, ”said Hamilton, referring to the singer's ode to take revenge on an unfaithful partner” before cheating “.

“If you are in this increased state and see something, even if it is true, don't take action that costs your actual, for example freedom or your ability to come back and actually establish a new relationship.” She advised.

Instead, learn to regulate your emotions and your body. “It just feels like it, but it's hard to do,” she said. “Learn some self -regulatory skills, learn how to regulate your nervous system.”

She recommends pausing, slowly breathing and releasing some of her energy by grabbing her fingers or shaking up her hands.

In this way, according to Hamilton, you can avoid jumping into the wrong conclusion or starting a bar fight.

“We also don't want to get this super highly exposed state in which we now look like the crazy … the one who gets out of control,” she added.

From there, she said, you can get into decision -making mode: “What should I do? What happens next? “

You are not a terrible person to feel jealous, said Hamilton.

“It's a shame not a spiral,” she said. “We normalize it instead. Jealousy is a feeling; It is an emotion. It is there to fulfill a purpose. And when it appears, we have to listen to it.

“But don't demonize it and do not demonize it if you see it in other people. Don't say: “This is jealousy – it's so disgusting!” Instead, they say: 'You fight with jealousy.' “

Do not romantize jealousy

Hamilton emphasized that films, music and classical literature (I look at you, “Othello”) is often romanticized. “And indeed, many of us only enjoy a little. We want to know that our partner is a bit jealous – and if you are not, we will even be a little defensive, as if you don't care, ”she said.

The glamorization of jealousy, she explained, could also glorify violence and other results that we do not want. “We romantize … implicit expectations and only let our partner read our opinion about where our limits and edges are.”

“Instead, I would romantize them if they explicitly share their expectations. It doesn't sound sexy, but I promise if you do it regularly, it is really, ”she said.

“There is a lot (behavior) that induces our jealousy, which is much more subtle than” I see that you kiss someone, “she noticed.

“There are more subtle things like: What does it mean for you if your partner clicks on another like in the Instagram post?” she asked. “Do you just have an implicit expectation that you should never do that? Have you actually talked about it and talked about what it means for you? “

Do not bait your partner intentionally.

“Jealousy can feel as evidence of love. And that was sold us, ”said Hamilton. “We somehow taught that jealousy should be part of the really deep romantic love. And so some people become a bit compulsively about the idea that … they want to feel that someone is jealous of them because it feels like care. “

But Hamilton said: “If you don't feel veratatively, I want you to inspire your partner instead to express your wish in another way. Become creative with a new date. Go out of fear. Perhaps it is time to participate some new practices, some new patterns. Or maybe it is even time to work with a sex therapist or sexual trainer if you really feel a lack of express request. Maybe it's time to really branch.

“The attempt to make your partner jealous to prove that something is falling to her,” she warned and said that it would be a game or a trip trip.